I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
