So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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