you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sext me about skeletons
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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