one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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