when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
