So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
