I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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