he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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