Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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