So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
