i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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