Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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