There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
