hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
