the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
