You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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