Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
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