I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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