i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
porn star boner night. come get it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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