I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
