How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
