i wish my penis had a tongue
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
