I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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