You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
