Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
