I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
