i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
