So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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