Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
