your thong is hanging out like whoa
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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