Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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