cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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