So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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