just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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