Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
