just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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