i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
