Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
