You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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