My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
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I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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