there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
