I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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