I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
