Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
