just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
foreskin is a definite game changer
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
