just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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