I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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