Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
