We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
