Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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