I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize