Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
