I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
