the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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