ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
