apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
